It's New Year's Eve. i don't feel like going anywhere. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. 2008 was a year of many trials and tribulations.

How fast time flies, in a few hours..2008 will be over. I dont know who the hell will I be spending it with. recently I met someone. I'm starting to fall again. the fast beating of the heart. the butterflies in the stomach. but all this just feels so right but wrong at the same time. I feel so confused. sighs. is this right? or is this just something that will fade after some time :(

I guess nothing has changed much. I'm still waiting. for the interview. and I'm nervous. Right now all I'm feeling is insignificant. and unappreciated. and not needed at all.

I just cant wait to say goodbye to 2008. Eight does not seem to be the number for beginnings. or prosperity -_____-" It seems more to be the number for bad luck. sighs.

byebye now.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
10:16 PM

I don't know how I would have to describe things that are going on between me and Khalid at this very moment. I guess you can say things are just complicated. I don't know if I love him anymore. The spark isn't there anymore - sad to say - and things are just different than how it used to be. It has become routine that he calls or messages. The relationship is just stale cheese. Boring!

I just wish I was young, as in real young. and carefree. to not know of anything but the love of people surrounding you. and the beauty of everything around you. To know nothing but the positive and to know nothing about the negatives and the evils of the world. You know as we get older, so many things just bombard our minds, or lives. the responsibilities. the pain.

I know not what 2009 holds for me. Right now all I'm doing is just going with the flow and not think of anything else that might bring me down again. I guess I'm just too numb to feel anymore pain. all that is on my shoulders now, is to make sure I bring my daughter up to what God has for her. for her to fulfil her destiny in Him.

If I have missed my chance to bring God glory, I don't want my daughter to do the same. I want the best for her. to have the best education. to grow up to become a woman of God. to love God more than anything in her life. not to only live for Christ. but to have Christ live in her. to truly know Him as her personal Saviour.

I want her to have a father who will be able to support her not only through rough times but also have someone she can look up for examples, someone she can look to when she gets down, for comfort, for support, for strength not only in emotional areas but spiritually too.


Right now the burdens on my shoulders are just so overbearing. I don't know how much longer I can last. I guess you can say I'm relying on strength thats not of my own. It's even more difficult than it may seem from afar. I hope 2009 brings me more happiness that 2008 did. I'll be a year older, and I hope a year wiser as well. wiser and not repeat the same mistakes I have done in the past. Like a quote I heard before, the past only builds you for the future.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:09 AM

I feel happy today. I don't know why.
Work was good as well. It was fun.
I guess because someone made me feel happy.

Thank you for appreciating me. and "liking" me :)
It's good to have you around. me. like. this.
although not that near. but you ain't too far away either.
safe trip back to KL tomorrow night. drive safely ok?
♥ big bear hugs ♥

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:21 AM

I just came back from a beautiful dinner with my family.
I thank God I'm off today and that I was able to attend
the Christmas service. It was good.
Although no one really noticed me but it was good. I guess.

Anyways we went to Oregano for dinner.
I had a 10% discount coupon voucher I got with the privilege book.
so manage to get the food with a discount of 10%.

Dinner was not too bad. I won't say that it was great,
cos it could have been better. The lamb was a bit wee too hard.
With my weak set of teeth (that needs a dentist's attention)
I could not really enjoy the whole meal.
The mash potatoes were good and the little one enjoyed it too! :)
Too bad I don't have a camera to capture moments like these..
soon I guess. soon. and then I can show them to you!!


-pouty lips-
Anyways this was taken after church service.
In the MNG dress I got for a cheap rate!! huu-haaa :)
well, gotta go sleep now. taking over my friend's morning shift.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:19 AM

Christmas is here. and it does not seem to be any different than any other day. Mum and Dad's in front of the tv as usual. and the siblings are doing their own thing. So yeah, it's just like any other day. to Marcus, thanks for telling me. it's like another Christmas. cos it is Christmas after all.

Anyways tthe Christmas Tree is finally up. helped to put up the lights. but other than that, the Christmas spirit is gone - it got blown away with the wind. I just feel that this year round, nothing seems to be working out. I can't decide on my future yet. I'm now just awaiting the interview for the Nursing Scholarship. I really hope to get in. Pray for me.

Well, besides that. On a better note, things are just stalemate between me and Khalid. I know I said before, earlier on that I've broken up with Khalid but it seems that he does not want to let go just yet. as for me, I'm just numb. Can't feel anything and I can't seem to shed anymore tears. I guess I've cried my fill already when I was pregnant with the little one.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:58 PM

This year has been the worst of years I have ever gone through.
Enuff said. This whole month has been full of emo posts.
Nothing happy at all.
Think of me ungrateful. Think of me unappreciative.
But it's the truth. If you ask me. There's nothing left to live for.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
8:13 PM

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:07 AM

Well, it goes like this..Chiyo has this friend of hers who's an job agent. so she was able to hook us up with people who want models for hairshows and all sorts. so somehow I qualified for the job and ta-daaa~ I got hired as a hair model for Arimino ( a japanese brand hair product )

For some of you who do not know, my hair used to be long. and I mean REALLY REALLY long. almost up to my waist. it was getiing longer and thicker and in my opinion, most hairstylist in Kuching, do not, and I reapeat, DO NOT KNOW HOW TO CUT LONG, and THICK HAIR -___-" I experience before.

"Wah, your hair so long and think. Cannot cut this/ that style lah. Have to cut short. boy cut short". I'm like WTF -_____-" yes, I went through that phase before. now I'm sceptical of any hairstylist who cuts my hair. even Sunny at first. hehe.

Thank God this hairshow I went for, Sunny my hairstylist was AWESOME. and I repeat AWESOME to the MAX!! :) *two thumbs up* and for your information, ONE haircut by Sunny himself can cost up toRM 150 in KL. and rebonding can cost up to RM 700. no joke.

Anyways, to cut the long story short. It was my first time modelling and overall the show was good. I was freakishly nervous. thank God my oversized Charles & Keith heels did not fail me :P and everything went smoothly for the batch of models I was with..well, here are some photos. not many though. hope its enough :)

before the haircut. after the bleaching and dying.
(I had my hair dyed the day before. took me 10 freagging long hours!!)



the ONE HOUR long haircut.
thats how long and thick my hair was -___-"



the end result :) nice rite.
front colour: ash blue
middle colour: brownish yellow
bottom back : cheery pink



the show.

the mini finale.

some photos after the show, :)

my hairstylist, Sunny :)

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:50 AM

One thing I must do this month is visit MV Doulos. am not sure if many of you have been there but fyi, the ship has arrived. If I'm mistaken, they arrived on the 10th of December but opened its doors on the 11th of December, they will be departing on the 2nd of January. Finally after 7 long years, they are finally here again :) can't wait to make my visit there.

Actually, I was not aware that the ship had already arrived until I met Won, a nice young man who's serving the Lord on the ship, @ The Spring. He was helping out in the selling of cookies, muffins and more for the Breakthrough stall (which intends to help the less fortunate - do buy to help them out alright - the muffins are yummy!) situated right beside Sushi King. Anyways, after sharing with us how he got to serve in the ship, he offered to host us. for a tour! :) yay! haha XD

it's been a while since I've been into the ship, and like I said..after 7 long years. With the ship being here and all, it sure does bring back sweet childhood memories, with all the activities held on board - what I got to experience. sure was swell. Well, mum knew and knows a few people on board as she crew when the ship ported in 1987, when I was about 7 months old. so yeah..that's how I got to go into the ship the last time. cos she had connections. haha.

• MV Doulos, the world’s oldest active passenger ship. 94years old, built in 1914, 428 by 55 foot, 6,670 gross ton missionary ship
  
• MV DOULOS is used as a floating bookshop owned and operated by a German charity Gute Bücher für Alle (Good Books for All).
• The crew of this ship are volunteers who do not get paid. The ship gets part of its support for maintenance and running the ship through donations and low prices book sales.
• Form what I know, this will be the last time MV Doulos will be here..as soon, they'll be sinking it. a new ship is being made at this very moment. (will get back to you about the name)
  

Their time here will be short but sure will be memorable. Cutting long story short, can't wait to go on board again :) since it's the holidays, and it gets boring sometimes. I wouldn't mind a nice stroll on the ship..hee. and bring baby there too :) You guys must go too! They have drinks, ice-cream, food and all...and TONS OF BOOKS!

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
8:51 PM

I finally handed in my application for the Nursing Scholarship.
now all I have to do is wait for the interview on the 10th of January.
I really hope I get into the program. It'll really boost my chances.
and if I do get into the scholarship program, all I have to worry
is about the little one. wish me luck. keep me in your prayers.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
7:30 PM

Do I really love him still?
or am I just hanging on to something I know won't work out?
Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life?
Is he truly the ONE? for me. for my daughter.
yes, he's the little one's father.
but everything happened so fast, even he is unsure

I'm confused. tired. and going to sleep.
goodnight

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:53 AM

One of my bestfriend's Louis sent sent me this today, through facebook. THANK YOU!! :) I almost deleted it since I thought it was some virus or something. cos it didn't have anything but the link. but anyway this is it and it truly made my day. too bad it expires next month. to keep or download it, I gotta pay for it. $4.99 worth it right? but my paypal got no money.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:07 AM

work was kinda alright today. I know it was alright yesterday and I sounded like shit. but it was an alright-alright, instead of just an alright kinda day. get me? nvm. well, today I met a number of people that I have not met for ages. and it was good. more of refreshing.

Sim Siew Ling. love..it has been, say what..almost 5years since I last saw you! :) it was really nice meeting you again. oh, do takecare of yourself and have fun studying in KL..yeah.

Alicia Augustine. darling..finally we meet on good terms. but it was a good short meet up :) btw, you looked gorgeous. the days of dull-simplicity-with-no-makeup-on are over! XD hope to see you soon iyeah..mwahs ♥ .

anyways, I manage to pull myself into MNG and hello hello, finally got something. and yes, am very pleased with my buy. a nice dress. although after discount the price is kinda pricey but it's worth it. cos I'm happy. cos retail shopping worked for me again. yay! for me. I think. or maybe that's just for the time being. but for the time being is good.

and another thing. today I thought I had no more money left in my bank. since mum lost her atm card, and she can't withdraw anymore money. I being the filial daughter (oh so perasan) I am. I gave her what I could give. let's say about a hundred ringgit. and I was left with, lets say ten ringgit. needless to say, I was broke.

anyways after dropping mum off at the hospital. dropped by The Spring and made my way to the atm machine. to quickly withdraw the money I had left to get the little one's milk as it was finishing quickly, well after doing all the necessary cucuk-ing..I was dumbfound to find out that there was a little bit more money than I had expected. so praise the Lord. I can survive. till the end of the month. haha XD amazing. wonder how it got there anyways.

well, it's gonna be another long day for me again. tomorrow. and btw, I'm considering quitting Padini. It's getting boring and lifeless. although it has its good times. all good times have got to come to an end. because I don't want to be 30years old still standing at the cashier counter asking, "Hello, do you have a Padini Membership Card?" so God Bless You Padini.

and I'm such a procastinator. I've yet to send in my results and photos for the Nursing Scholarship Program. God Bless Me. Sarah, you gotta get a grip. oh bummer -_____-" I feel lazy. sigh.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:48 PM

I think I should go to sleep...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:32 AM

Anyways work has been kinda alright so far, although at times I do feel as though I could be doing better things with all my time and at times I do feel that I'm all alone, with no soul in sight to keep me company. I guess everyone goes through the same thing. you know, feel lonely. and another which is reserving and shopping has become kinda boring already. I guess once you get used to the environment, always being surrounded by clothes all the time, it just bores you out -_____-" lame right.

Imagine this, I went onto MNG today, cos they were having SALES! and guess what, I DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING!!!can you believe it O.O" omg. that's how bored I am. with clothes! :'( what's gonna make me happy now. retail therapy doesn't work anymore.

I don't know, recently all I have been doing these couple of weeks is just feel emo and think negative thoughts. It's just overwhelming me. that I can't think straight anymore. nothing in my life seems like a positive thing anymore.

I know, some of you may be thinking how negative I am. how unappreciative I am of life, of the things I have and of the people I have in my life. I know what I have and I'm grateful but somehow none of that seems to register in my head, or my heart. it's as though I'm just numbed with everything that has been happening that I just lost my senses.

and btw, I NEED A BOYFRIEND who's here. with me. not someone who's far away. yes, I'm saying that I cannot stand long distance relationship any longer. I'm just sick and tired of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting till I grow old and die. tong tiau* -___________-"

but the thing is I'm wondering, am I ready for marriage? if I'll be a good enough wife, and mother. I already failed at being a good daughter and sister. what more to say when I enter motherhood and marriage. will I be an even bigger failure? I'm sorry if my recent posts have been very negative, it's just that alot of things have been going through my mind recently. I have to admit. I'm lost in this life. really lost. I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know what to do anymore.

I should have never been born. I was a mistake from the start. what should have I expected. if I was a mistake from the start. shouldn't everything I do from now on end up in a mistake? I'm a lost case some may say. and maybe they were right about me all these years. that I'll never amount up to anything good. everyone would be better off without me.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:36 AM

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
10:45 PM

DID YOU KNOW THESE FACTS?
I SURE DIDN'T TILL NOW

Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!
Make a personal reflection about this.....
Very interesting, read until the end.....
It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):

'Be not deceived
God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man sow,
that shall he also reap.

Here are some men and women who mocked God :

John Lennon (Singer)
Some years before, during his interview
with an American Magazine, he said:

'Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that.
I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, today we
are more famous than Him' (1966).



Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more
famous than Jesus Christ, was shot five times.

.
.
.

Tancredo Neves
(President of Brazil)

During the Presidential campaign,
he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party,
not even God would remove him from Presidency.
Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before
being made President, then he died.
.
.
.


Cazuza
(Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):


During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ),
while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air
and said: 'God, that's for you.'

He died atthe age of 32 of
LUNG CANCER in a horrible manner.
.
.
.

The man who built the Titanic

After the construction of Titanic,
a reporter asked himhow safe the Titanic would be.
With an ironic tone he said: 'Not even God can sink it'
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic
.
.
.

Marilyn Monroe
(Actress)

She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her.
After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:
'I don't need your Jesus'.
A week later, she was found dead in her apartment
.
.
.

Bon Scott (Singer)

The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
'Don't stop me; I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell'.
On the 19th of February 1980 , Bon Scott was found dead,
he had been choked by his own vomit.
.
.
.
Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas , Brazil
a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend.....
The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried
about the drunkenness of her friends and she said
to the daughter holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:

'My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.'

She responded: 'Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside
Here.....It's Already Full '
Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact.

The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact.
To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken
.
.
.

Christine Hewitt
(Jamaican Journalist and entertainer)
said the Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written.
In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no
other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.
Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.

'Jesus'

I have done my part, Jesus said
'If you are embarrassed about me,
I will also be embarrassed about you before My Father.'


You are my 8
in 8 seconds. I am not breaking this. No way!
I'M TOLD THIS WORKS!!!!!
Bishop T.D. Jakes '8 Second Prayer.' Just repeat this
prayer and see how God moves!!

'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart,
and bless me, my family, my
home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen.'

It is up to you whether you are going to carry on this message.
I hope you do as you are my friends and I care for you all deeply.
Pass this on and have faith that God will move greatly!
May Lord be with you now and forever.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:59 AM

I want to go to Singapore's Night Safari again -______-"
the last time I went, I missed all the shows!! :'(
so yeah, I want to go again..and I want to go to the Zoo too.
I know, I'm random. I just need a holiday. I feel like running...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
10:29 PM

Thought of changing my layout.
The old one was getting kinda boring.
I still keep it though but think this one is kinda nice.
I don't know what you think but yeah ^^V
I hope you guys like it as much as I do.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
5:18 PM

I think I am sleep deprived. Do you think I should sleep now? I don't know. It seems that so so many things are going through my mind right now. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm tired. but my mind can't stop thinking! -_______-" dad's in the hospital again..just got admitted this evening. He's in pain again these couple of days, similar to gastric pains but just worse. I pray everything will turn out alright.

I might be leaving sooner than I expected. which is what I always wanted deep down inside but now that it's happening and things are coming to past and all my wishes getting granted, I'm thinking again if this is truly what I want for me, for the little one. Getting married is not a minor issue. It's going to decide the future that I'll have. I'm so confused. I'm in a dilemma. Help me.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:52 AM

Called in sick today. I'm down with the fever, cough and flu -______-" am so freagging tired and my body ache's from top to bottom. I'm sleepy, grouchy and emotionally unhappy.


I argued with mum, AGAIN today! I'm getting sick and tired of going through the same arguments over the same small issues which never seem to resolve, which seem to go on forever, which seem so never-ending! Needless to say, so many things have been happening in the recent past few days, so much in so little time..it's almost too much for me to handle. I don't think I'm this strong to handle it anymore, I'm almost giving up..maybe this time I will.

I feel such excruciating pain that even time cannot seem to heal. It's as though my head know's where to start, where to go, what to do and what decisions to make but my heart is too much at pain to do anything. that I just become numb -___________-"

I feel like sleeping and never waking up. ever. again.

I want to be e m o full stop.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
9:15 PM

for all of you who do not know.
my little one is....
A GIRL.
yes, little miss sunshine is a girl.
so please please please do not mistake

her

for a boy! thank you very much :)

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:07 PM

This is why they dropped by in the first place:
Last night I was talking to Jin about the Padini sales and he was asking if there was anything nice left since it has already been almost a week since the sales started. So he said that he would drop by today, and I didn't think he was serious. but oh yes, when Jin says he's coming. he's coming! and coincidentally when they dropped by, my shift was almost over. and coincidentally, my family was in Spring as well. so yeah the little one tagged along as well. haha!

anyways took the little one from my parents, and brought her to hangout with Chiyo and Jin :) she had fun, but she was kinda creeped out by Chiyo! haha. maybe it was the hair -________-" but then again, I'm sure she had fun. cos Jin recently got himself a DSLR and I'm sure you guys kinda know what happened next! Well I can call this the little one's first photoshoot. and Jin did the honours. thank you.

Here are a few out of the many, have not gotten all of them from Jin yet but even though I have them all, I would not want to show all. I want some to be just meant for me. The quotes and as quoted by Jin.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:39 PM

The little one is already 6 months. (coming 7)


She's always on the move and is learning to "walk" fast.
She can crawl already. and can say Mama properly.
She has learnt to recognise faces even better.
Say NO to Strangers.
She still hates the colour B L A C K
and anything that is B L A C K in colour.
She still is as adorable and intelligent as ever.
She knows she's loved, pampered and the most important.

I've been listening to Augustana - Boston recently.
and boy, am I hooked on to the piano version.
I know, I know..its been around for ages but hey...
I just got hoooked....so no blaming ok! XD

Went out today with Chiyo for lunch before work.
It's been some time since I've gone out with her.
Now that tis the season for exams and assignments! =.="
bummer! I know. She'll be heading off for holiday-ing time soon.
I hope you have fun love :) and we'll hangout again once you're back ok.
just dont come back broke! haha. but then again, you're never broke.

Well. thats all for now. no more updates. my life is boring.
more boring-est than you life. yea yea yea..whatever!
will update again when I have the time :)
btw, sales are here. so get your ass to the shopping malls!
time to sleep. I need sleep. tata.


p/s: I miss you.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:13 AM